Wednesday, May 25, 2005, 9:40 PM PST

     My office chair hails from the late 1960's. It used to be in the office of a charter airline company. If I remember correctly, the owner bought a DC-3, the old twin prop work horse of the World War II era, and dreamed of chartering flights between Van Nuys Airport (that's in the San Fernando Valley, north of Los Angeles) to Las Vegas. This one was fitted out as a passenger aircraft. I got to ride on the plane once, though I don't remember where we went. I think it was just for a joy ride over the skies of California, to impress family and friends. The business didn't succeed, and the office furniture was sold, and we got this office chair for next to nothing. It is your standard black, heavy duty, office chair, built to last forever. It will tilt back, and it will spin, and it rolls around on four wheels. And I don't think anyone ever oiled the moving parts. I mean, who would think of oiling an office chair? I never thought of it until for some reason, my attention was focused one day on how the chair would squeak and groan in the most grating manner whenever I sat down, or whenever I got up. If I sat still it was nice and quiet. As far as the noise goes, it was always like that, I thought that's just the way these chairs are. I assumed that they would squeak and groan right out of the factory.

     But somehow, a ray of illumination penetrated through my misconception in this respect. For weeks, the light switch in our refrigerator door has been sticking when the door was opened. It's not a very pleasant experience to open your refrigerator and have to face darkness. That is really disconcerting. Well, this has happened before, and the way to fix that is to squirt the switch with WD-40. This stuff is like a miracle in a can. And so I know I have a can of that somewhere, but since I made a project of cleaning out the garage, I couldn't find it anywhere. I had a great big can too. Though I lost the red tube that goes with it a long time ago. At any rate, that light switch kept sticking, and sticking and sticking. And I kept looking and looking and looking for that can of WD-40. And the funny thing about it, is that I never thought to add it to a shopping list. Well, its not food, and you always have a can of it around anyway. I don't remember ever having to buy a can of WD-40. It just seemed to always be there when I needed it.

     Well, to make a short story even longer, I was amazed that my feet took me to the hardware aisle of the local grocery store, a great big place, as big as a Home Depot, and this can of WD-40 caught my eye. I don't remember putting it there. Just kidding. Now, that rung a loud bell, and I said, of course, this is what I have been looking for, but I was looking in the wrong place all along. Instead of looking in my garage for the last several weeks for a can of WD-40, I should of looked right there, in the grocery store. A very blessed scenario of refrigerator illumination sprang up within my mind's eye, and I was quite comforted indeed when I took that can off the shelf, and put it in my shopping cart. I couldn't wait to get home to squirt that switch.

     And of course, that's what I did. Of course, I knew the end from the beginning. I knew it would work. With one small squirt of WD-40, that light switch would be set free to travel smoothly once again, as the refrigerator door opened and closed. And it was so, and it came to pass exactly in that way, that the inside of our refrigerator is now properly illuminated every time we open the door. That is really an improvement. And I was then seized by this inexplicable desire to go around the house, and I squirted every single door hinge, cabinet or otherwise that squeaked. The bathroom door was the worst. And then another amazing inspiration filled my heart, mind, and soul. What a bold thought! Maybe, if I squirted this office chair with WD-40, it would quit squeaking and groaning too.

     And it was true. I turned this heavy thing upside down, and I squirted WD-40 into every possible mechanism that moved. I turned it back right side up, sat down, and tested it out. Leaning back, leaning forward, swivel to the left, swivel to the right, lean over this way, and that way, and while 90% of the noise was gone, there was still some interesting squeaks that I traced to the wheels, and rotating shafts to which they were connected, that we inserted in the chair pedestal. I turned it upside down again, and squirted WD-40 into every possible place around each of the four wheels, every place where there was any kind of motion. And turning it back over, right side up, and testing it again, to my amazement, I had a silent office chair.

     And so, this is what I learned today. Your office chair does not have to squeak or groan. Really, I am not pulling your leg. I know this for a fact, and from experience. WD-40 will erase all squeaks and groans in a leaning, rotating and swiveling office chair. Try it yourself, and you will become a believer like me. What one man can do, all men can do. In other words, the squeaks and groans that one man can defeat, all men can defeat, that is, if they have a can of WD-40.

     May you pass every test.

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