I guess it's cool the state
Supreme Court in Massachusetts has cleared the
way for gay people to get married there.
Personally, I don't understand why any gay man
wants to get married. I was married to a woman
for about five years. Why would I want to
subject myself to the same misery with a
differently gendered person?
Nonetheless, the court has inspired me. I've
decided to go back to school for yet another
degree. This time I'm getting a law degree so I
can specialize in lesbian and gay divorce
actions. I am going to open a chain of offices
across America stunningly decorated and staffed
by men and women with fabulous haircuts. Plaster
reproductions of Michelangelo's David, so
beloved by gay men, will accent Mission-style
furniture so popular with lesbians. My logo will
be the classic image of justice holding the
scales. But she will have a nicer hairdo and a
glow-stick instead of a sword. The blindfold
will be pure Prada.
My network of No Mo Drama law offices will
offer special incentives for the employment of
our services. For example, there will be a
complimentary incineration service for
vindictive disposal of the hideous thongs of
future-ex-husbands of gay men. These dreadful
undergarments, inexplicably popular with some
gay men, too often spoil the view. Their wearing
is alone sufficient cause for immediate divorce,
if not justifiable homicide, in order to
preserve the greater aesthetic good. Only the
wearing of rainbow-colored accessories is more
actionable than thong wearing. Yes, gay
Americans will add substantially to divorce
litigation by openly addressing the dirty little
secret of domestic fashion abuse.
The No Mo Drama law offices will help
formerly lovestruck marrieds get the fuck out
with the most stuff as fast as they can. I can't
help thinking back to my own earlier
relationship and the unduly bitter dispute we
had in our property settlement owing to the lack
of legal regulation of our love nest. I am
deeply motivated to help others avoid the pain I
experienced when my ex walked out of the house
with the food processor, leaving me only with
the dull mezzaluna chopping knife. I can hardly
bear to tell you that I lost the food processor
after I went crazy in my grief and anger and
used his collection of Waterford goblets for
batting practice in the front yard of his new
"special friend." If only I'd had a lawyer to
help me acquire ownership of the glass
collection. Then I could've avoided suffering
the indignity of being threatened with a peace
warrant.
Above all, there was the matter of custody of
our child -- a wire-haired, impossibly obese
Dachshund who won the Ugliest Dog Contest in
Houston even though we didn't personally enter
her in the contest. True, I had to agree with
the friend who submitted her picture in loco
parentis that she did look like an exploded
sausage with the teeth of a rat and a coat made
of patches of pubic hair ripped from a
red-headed corpse.
And then there was the fact that she grew so
fat that her spinal nerve was pinched and she
lost use of her hind legs, which had to be
mounted on wheels so she could roll herself
around in a disrespectful parody of the Oscar
Meyer wiener-mobile. I can still hear her
panting like the little engine who could, as she
rolled herself around the park, causing children
to run for their mothers and squirrels to drop
their acorns and stare in outraged disbelief
before this travesty, this monstrous marriage of
technology and the canine form!
You can imagine how bitterly we each fought
to have custody of this bestial oddity. Had the
custody battle been subject to the marriage
laws, and had a No Mo Drama law office been
available, I feel sure I would have ended up
with our canine freak on wheels instead of the
two gigantic koi fish, Dwight and Mamie, who
perished sometime later when their tank burst
open and my cats turned them into hockey pucks
while I was out having sex with a stranger. I
have not had an erection since!
We at the No Mo Drama law offices will fight
to protect you, our client, from similar loss of
property, children and erectile function!
Our plans are to give back to the community
by contributing 10 percent of the fees we
collect to the Fund for the Normalization of
Homosexuality. Having at last been granted the
right to marry, gay people will now be ready for
their final transformation into heterosexuals
who just so happen to have sex with other
heterosexuals of the same gender. Among the
educational projects of the FNH are "Dressing
Like a Straight Slob for Gay Men," "The
Depilatory Arts for Lesbians," "How to Serve
Dinner on Paper Plates," "How to Erect a Statue
of Elvis in Front of Your Trailer Home" and, of
course, "How to Ignore Heterosexuals Who Don't
Have a Sense of Humor About Their Lack of
Taste."
cliff.bostock@creativeloafing.com
Cliff Bostock's website is www.soulworks.net.
11.27.03
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I guess it's cool the state
Supreme Court in Massachusetts has cleared the
way for gay people to get married there.
Personally, I don't understand why any gay man
wants to get married. I was married to a woman
for about five years. Why would I want to
subject myself to the same misery with a
differently gendered person?